BY PASTOR T. O. BANSO
In contemporary society, one finds good women having the misfortune of marrying men that do not give them peace and joy. That is a mild way of saying they married men who turned out to be bad, or they married the wrong person. The marriages of these women are full of regrets. I know it is possible for a man to have a similar experience – a good man marrying a bad woman. Whatever be the case, it is most unlikely that a woman would go into a marriage knowing that the marriage would be traumatic for her.
This is not peculiar to contemporary world. In the Bible, we find the example of Abigail, who was married to a wrong man! The Bible speaks of this couple: “There was a wealthy man from Maon who owned property near the town of Carmel. He had 3,000 sheep and 1,000 goats, and it was sheep-shearing time. This man’s name was Nabal, and his wife, Abigail, was a sensible and beautiful woman. But Nabal, a descendant of Caleb, was crude and mean in all his dealings” (1 Samuel 25:2-3 NLT).
Who would have thought that somebody who was a descendant of Caleb, a contemporary of Joshua, a man of faith, a man who walked with God wholly, would turn out to be a crude and mean man? Who would have thought that Nabal would be a foolish man? While intervening to avert evil that would have come upon Nabal and his household for his negative reaction to David’s request for provisions from him, Abigail, falling at the feet of David, said, “I accept all blame in this matter, my lord. Please listen to what I have to say. I know Nabal is a wicked and ill-tempered man; please don’t pay any attention to him. He is a fool, just as his name suggests. But I never even saw the young men you sent” (1 Samuel 25:24-25 NLT).
Did you see her testimony about her husband? The evil was averted because of Abigail’s wisdom. After the death of Nabal, David married this woman. She was a sensible and beautiful woman who married a wicked, ill-tempered, foolish man. How did this happen to Abigail? Was she deceived by his wealth or family background? Was it a case of forced marriage or love at first sight? What actually went wrong? The Bible does not tell us.
However, let me share with you some reasons why a good woman can marry a bad man.
Reasons some women make wrong choices in marriage
1.Lack of knowledge of the will of God in marriage. Some people believe that God is not interested in who they marry. They think it is solely their responsibility to make a choice – after, all they’re the one to live with the person. There is a wrong notion by some women that they can marry just anybody; they do not know or believe there is God’s will for them in marriage. This knowledge of the will of God could help to avert a troubled marriage.
Such women don’t pray to find out the will of God for them; they think they can choose by sight, not knowing that all that glitters is not gold. God knows the end from the beginning. He knows what that man who appears to be a gentleman or responsible man today will become tomorrow. There are cases of men, who married as Christians, but turned to something else after marriage, breaking the hearts of the wives of their youth and abandoning them and their children.
2. Wrong teaching about marriage. There is so much wrong teaching about marriage either through novels, movies or even in religious circles, which lead some women astray. They become casualties to such teachings before they realize it. There is only one infallible manual on marriage, and that is the Bible. Any teaching that does not agree with the Bible, no matter the religious title the author answers, should be thrown away.
One example of such wrong teaching is, “You can marry anybody you love.” That is not true, because the so-called love is amorphous or nebulous – hard to define. They’re talking about emotional love, based on situations, which changes from time to time. Some women have married on the basis of that, and within three months, they were back to say they didn’t love the man again. I asked somebody to define what she meant by “love” and she could not even give herself a satisfactory answer.
There are many marriages contracted based on the so-called love that have ended in a divorce. Where is the love? Has it disappeared? It is a wrong teaching to say that God doesn’t lead people in marriage again. God still leads but that is not a full proof that such a marriage will not fail if couples don’t commit themselves to making their marriages work. That’s God’s way of operating. He will not take up your personal responsibility as a person. God told the children of Israel, “See, I have begun to give Sihon and his land over to you. Begin to possess it, that you may inherit his land” (Deuteronomy 2:31NKJV). He will do His own part and you must do your own part.
3. Carnality. Paul said he could not speak to the Corinthian Christians as to spiritual people but as to carnal, as to babes in Christ (1 Corinthians 3:1). Romans 8:4-8 says, “For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God” (NKJV).
Some women choose wrongly because of their carnality. They are sensual, worldly, and non-spiritual. Worldly values, driven by the desires and appetites for the things of the flesh, blind and motivate their decisions. Materialism, a devotion to material wealth and possessions at the expense of spiritual or intellectual values, drives them to make such choices.
Imagine a woman who has made up her mind she would not marry a man who does not belong to a particular social class, does not own some specific material possessions, etc; she may marry into affluence and life becomes unbearable after marriage. They wished these carnal considerations did not blind them. They fail to realize that your valuables don’t determine your value. Material things may make a house but they don’t make a home.
4. Poor self-esteem. A poor self-esteem resulting in male-dependency syndrome can blindfold a woman into a wrong marriage relationship. This is when a woman feels that she is nothing unless there is a man in her life. Though God ordains marriage, it will never make up for a poor self-esteem. A husband needs his wife as much as a wife needs her husband, but there is a vacuum, that God only, and not our spouses can fill in our lives. A woman who is suffering from male-dependency syndrome occasioned by a poor self-esteem will open her life to just any man even when she can see the handwriting on the wall that the relationship is disaster waiting to happen.
A woman must know whom she is, her worth and values, before going into marriage. I am not talking of destructive pride or arrogance, but self-appreciation. Everyone needs a healthy self-esteem rooted in God’s love. God loves you, as a woman! You are good! Salvation opens your eyes and mind to this reality. Recognize that goodness in you, and bring it into your marriage.
Don’t have the mindset that you need a man to be somebody; you may fall into the wrong hand. God has made you accepted in the beloved (Ephesians 1:6). You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Don’t look for a man that you want to use to become somebody. You may be unfortunate to meet a man who is also looking for a woman to use to become somebody! That is why men have taken advantage of some women. Gold diggers!
5. Long waiting. Some women are pressured into marriage by long waiting for a husband. They are experiencing internal and external pressure. Tired of waiting for Mr. Right, they settle for the next man that shows up, waving aside the agitating questions on their mind about these men. That you’re getting old and all your colleagues are already having children is not a strong reason for you to destroy your life. A month old marriage will look to you like a ten-year old marriage! You will be so frustrated that you will prefer to be single again. That shall not be our portion in Jesus’ name.
6. Blind love. She doesn’t see what’s obviously wrong. Everybody sees it but she does not see it. What a man will become after marriage, he is already manifesting during courtship. This is the truth except in rare cases where the man just wants to set up the woman through pretence just to marry her. A man that is already beating a woman during courtship is already manifesting what he will do in the marriage. One should not be surprised if he becomes a wife-beater. Most women who are victims of domestic violence were only blind to the warning signs of a potential wife-abuser in each of their husbands before marriage. Becoming blind to what you are not going to tolerate in a marriage owing to desperation to get married will soon end after marriage; the blind eyes of so-called love will be opened by marriage.
7. Fix-men mentality. I use the word “fix” in the sense of repairing or adjusting something. Some women have this mentality about the men they want to marry. Some women say, “I’ll change him after our marriage.” This is the height of delusion, and unfortunately that is the attitude of some women. Marriage will not work out if a spouse is hoping to change her partner deliberately. A woman who has reservations about the man she wants to marry, but is going ahead on the basis that she would change him is only deceiving herself. She will frustrate herself because men don’t change! No, not by their wives mounting pressure on them, pointing out the wrong things they’ve done, and teaching them the right things to do. Men change only when they decide to change! Once you marry your man, all you can do is to adapt yourself to him while you keep praying to God about whatever you think is wrong with him. You can raise it with him at an auspicious time, but not with the intent to change him. Only God can change a man! “In like manner, you married women, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them] …” (1 Peter 3:1 Amplified Bible).
8. Misplaced hope. This delusion is similar to the last point. The woman goes into marriage with a man she cannot definitely say that God is the one that is bringing them together. She is hopeful that the man will change. Suppose he does not change, are you prepared to continue with the marriage? Are you ready to continue to live with a wife-abuser, a violent man? Don’t continue to nurse a misplaced hope; face the reality of the condition of the man you say you want to marry. It is true that there are cases where the men changed, but there are also several cases where the men did not change. Are you so sure this man will change?
9. Rejection of Godly counsel. I have come to realize that in many cases where women reject Godly counsel in marriage, there will be problem somewhere later. In many cases where parents kicked against the marriages even for reasons that might not appear spiritual, the marriages had developed serious problems later if not immediately. This is even truer if pastoral counsel is rejected. I have heard women cry later over their marriages admitting that the rejected the counsel of their parents or a certain man of God counseled them against the marriage. For some time, it looked as if they were right and the counselors or parents were wrong, but their folly was clear to them later. Everyone will live with the consequences of their decision.
10. False/demonic supernatural communication. Only a spiritual illiterate will deny the reality of demonic supernatural communication. A woman can become a victim of demonic imposition on her in the choice of a partner to marry. She can have a demonic dream of a particular man as her true husband. She can begin to respond to demonic manipulations, resulting in having a strong love desire for a man, wrongly believing that he is the choice of God. She can even put up a fleece and the devil sees to the realization of the set conditions. The truth is that she is under the remote control of the devil. Only much later, after marriage, will she realize that she had been deceived! It was a set-up from the pit of hell.
Please confirm the supernatural communication you are receiving. There is the supernatural realm of God and there is the supernatural realm of the devil. Be careful that the revelation you’re using as the basis of your decision is from God. As many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God (Romans 8:14). Nevertheless, don’t despise the role of a genuine and mature spiritual guide in your life, especially a minister of God with authentic calling from heaven not a false prophet of the devil masquerading as a servant of God.
11. Ancestral curse. Quite related to the last point is ancestral curse. In some families, their women have never gotten it right in marriage. Several, if not all of them, have marriages that never worked. The women, despite taking precautions, are all married to men who abused them, cheated them, neglected them and never showed them love. Any woman who has noticed a trend like this in her family has a serious spiritual warfare to fight. Assurance from the man is not enough; she needs Heaven to remove such a curse.
Some of the men the women who have been victims of this curse married to never manifested traces of being abusers and wicked men before marriage, but the curse worked against the marriage. However, the good news is that the power of God can destroy the power of any curse; the anointing can destroy the yoke and set the captives free. “And it shall come to pass in that day, that his burden shall be taken away from off thy shoulder, and his yoke from off thy neck, and the yoke shall be destroyed because of the anointing” (Isaiah 10:27 KJV). Obadiah 17 says, “But on Mount Zion there shall be deliverance, and there shall be holiness; the house of Jacob shall possess their possessions” (NKJV).
CONCLUSION: There’s no art to find the mind’s construction in the face (Shakespeare). The Bible says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9 NKJV). That is why you should not walk by sight. Let God lead you. The man you think is not the right man for you today, because of the low level he is in life, may be on his way to the top. Don’t be deceived by where men are today; it can change both negatively or positively. Nabal was a wealthy man, but he was also a foolish man. Thank God for Abigail’s wisdom, she would have been a victim of his foolishness, just as she had enjoyed his wealth.
Every marriage plus the one made in heaven and consummated on earth has its challenges! With a wrong marriage, life could be most miserable for the partners. I pray that God will visit your home and deliver you from any marital turmoil in Jesus’ name. If you’ve made any wrong decision before now, may the LORD have mercy upon you and deliver you. Are you in a courtship you have some reservations about? Deal with your doubts; don’t go ahead blindly. Be sure you are in courtship with the right person.
If you’re not born again, I invite you to take the following steps: *Admit you’re a sinner and you can’t save yourself and repent of your sins. *Confess Jesus as your Lord and Saviour. *Renounce your past way of life – your relationship with the devil and his works. *Invite Jesus into your life. *As a mark of seriousness to mature in the faith, start attending a Bible-believing, Bible-teaching church. There, they will teach you how to grow in the Kingdom of God.
Kindly say this prayer now: O Lord God, I come unto you today. I know I am a sinner and I cannot save myself. I believe that Jesus is the Son of God who died on the cross to save me and resurrected the third day. I repent and confess my sins. I confess Jesus as my Lord and Saviour and surrender my life to him today. I invite Jesus into my heart today. By this prayer, I know I am saved. Thank you, Jesus, for saving me and making me a child of God.
I believe you have said this prayer from your heart. Congratulations! You will need to join a Bible believing, Bible teaching church in your area where they will teach you how to live your new life in Christ Jesus. I pray that you flourish like the palm tree and grow like the cedar of Lebanon. May you grow into Christ in all things and become all God wants you to be. I’ll be glad to hear from you. The LORD be with you.
1. Father, open my ears that I may hear; open my eyes that I may see; touch my heart that I may understand your will for me in marriage.
2. Father, deliver me from the ancestral curse of marital crisis and failure.
3. My Lord and my God, I receive deliverance from every satanic courtship I am in. I free myself from the trap of the enemy.
4. Father, reveal to me your choice for me in marriage; make your will clear, easy and simple to know. Let me not be a victim of demonic manipulation and imposition.
T. O. Banso is the President, Cedar Ministry International, Abuja, Nigeria.
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